Saying goodbye to 2020
The year of gratitude and mourning
If you are reading this, it means that you have made it through 2020. Way to go and a big social distanced high-five! What a year it was, it was full of challenges, heartbreak, loss, joy and lots of learning.
I sit here and try to sift through every major event that happened in 2020 and it was a lot. 2020 was a year of just a lot of things. I think about getting to see the Bulls play the Cavs in January, and how much freakin’ fun I had with Jordan. I think about quarantine, and how weird the entire month of March and April was. I turned 31 in May and it was the best birthday I have ever had. Which says a lot because I love my birthday and basically celebrate all month. Jordan and I went to a getaway cabin and it just so fun; we had a lot of White Claw and chicken paninis. I think about how I drove almost two hours to go surprise my grandpa in June and take him all his favorite sugar free snacks and how special it was to see him in a t-shirt and blue jeans. If you ever knew my grandpa, you know he was always dressed to the nines. It was so special to sit outside and spend an hour just hanging out outside together. I told him it was so fun, we should do it again.
I think about the call I got on the night of the 25th of July that grandpa had a heart attack, and I think about the joy I felt getting to hug my grandpa in on July 27th for the first time since February. I will never forget the feelings I had driving home after seeing my grandpa, back to normal, with a clean bill of health. I will never forget the doctor telling my family “John is literally as good as gold!” I will never forget the feeling of joy, the absolute high I had felt driving home, only for my entire heart to be shattered within 35 minutes of hugging my grandpa. I will never forget the amount of absolute rage my heart felt that a car accident is what took my grandpa away from me. I was so grateful for the weekend following the car accident because Jordan was set to run a race, he crushed it, he did so well. It kept me so busy and I had some of the best company. It really helped the sorrow that probably could have drowned me. Seeing Jordan push himself and keep going in this race for so many hours (It was 40) was a weird reminder that we are a lot tougher than we give ourselves credit for sometimes. I think about the week following week, I spoke at my grandpa’s funeral, I hate speaking in front of people, but I wanted the people at my grandpa’s funeral to know that every one of us loved him so deeply and none of us ever took for granted how blessed we had been. I have never lost anyone I was ever so close to; I feel like a part of my heart got buried with him.
I was grateful for a week getaway later that month, to the beautiful mounts in Colorado. I remember sitting on the side of a mountain being incredibly angry at God thinking, how can you create such beauty and cause such heartbreak? August was tough. September and the following months became a blur, I was consumed with the loss of my grandpa, I was miserable in my job and I took a huge jump, in the middle of a pandemic and quit my job. I got a new job; I love it so much. It was the right move and trusting that this was a huge part of God’s plan. I hate giving up control, its always easiest to think that we know what is best for us, but it is true, we do not.
I felt like even though I came through this year, I mourned a lot. I feel like I mourned the loss of not only my grandpa, but also some of the living. I have dealt with so much alienation and struggle with my own family, there were a lot of dark and heavy times. I know this year had a lot of bad for a lot of people, but I try to remember the parts of strength that I showed, and y’all should too. It was a tough year, but we did it.
I truly believe my absolute biggest accomplishment was not allowing myself to relapse with my eating disorder. There were times I really wanted to, there were times I really had to reach out to my support group friends and seek advice or even reassurance. There were MANY times I was deeply triggered by people around me, situations beyond my control and well you know, the entire flipping pandemic/quarantine. But I did it. I did not let my eating disorder manifest and win for the first time in more than half my life when I was blasted in the face with MANY changes that were outside of my control.
As we move into 2021, I think the biggest adjustment for me is not setting any sort of expectations for myself, but to focus more on the positives and be way more grateful for what I have and love those things. Ways that I can improve myself, and help others around me to well and be well.
My word of the year this year is “INTENTIONAL.” It came to me after a while of prayer and driving around and a message I had received the day before from someone. My grandpa truly lead by example. My grandpa was a living example of love, grace, beauty and obedience. My grandpa was intentional. This year the two verses that I am going to try my hardest to be mindful of are Hebrews 13:2 “Don’t forget to entertain strangers, for some who have done this, have entertained angels without realizing it” and Ephesians 4:32 “be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
If you’ve stuck around this long, thanks. I hope you enjoyed what was a longer than intended read, but thanks for hanging out.
Lets do this 2021, you seriously do not have big shoes to fill, please be gentle.
Love and Light
D
Originally posted 12/30/2020